When was the last time you went for a long drive?
I don’t mean a commute to work, or a quick trip to the shops to buy more milk. I mean, when was the last time you took a drive somewhere just to enjoy the journey? For me, it was a holiday I took to New Zealand in 2015. Driving around the South Island, the country roads were flanked on one side by beautiful green hills, and on the other by the sea. Hundreds of sheep dotted the hillsides, calmly munching grass even though the slope was impossibly steep.
Taking a long, enjoyable drive is something most of us rarely do, unless we’re on holidays. We’re usually too busy to pay attention – we’re rushing to get somewhere or running late for our next appointment.
Often, the same problem applies to our sex lives.
As modern human beings, we’re obsessed with getting off. And in this busy modern world, we have a hundred other things on our minds. Our worries, pressures and the many other tasks of our day leave us short on patience. The result: we’re focused on getting to our end goal as efficiently as possible.
Conventionally, heterosexual sex conventionally follows the same set of steps:
- Oral sex
This is the ‘script’ we see enacted in almost every movie sex scene and porno we’ve ever watched. It’s predictable, reassuring; because we know what to expect we never have to feel as though we’re out of our depth. And by making orgasm the end goal, we have something to focus on! Instead of having to be inventive, we can simply follow the same old route.
But what happens when we do the same thing over and over? We end up forgetting to pay attention to the journey.
I’ve found that the best sex happens when everyone is concentrating fully on what’s happening. Meditation fans call this ‘mindfulness’ – it’s the ability to really pay attention and enjoy every moment.
Unfortunately, making cumming the ultimate goal can mean we don’t put as much effort into the steps we take to get there. It’s like driving the same route to work every day; when was the last time you REALLY paid attention on your daily commute? When we follow the ‘script’ of sex, our brains switch off and we stop concentrating. We’re distracted, not mindful. This often means not fully experiencing all those amazing moments that make sex special: the feel of someone’s skin, the look in their eyes, slow touches, sounds, playful smiles.
I’ve found that the best way to enjoy all these incredible sensations is to slow down and take a different path. Instead of seeing orgasm as the most important part of a sexual encounter, I treat it as an optional extra. And instead of rushing to the endpoint, I’m interested in exploring. I might experiment with new ways of touching my partner or change up the order of things so that we return over and over to activities we enjoy, instead of feeling pressure to quickly move on to the next one. I may end up cuddling someone for an hour or take a break in the middle of sex to give a partner a slow back massage. Working it out takes more effort, because it means asking my partner what they’d enjoy next (instead of just assuming). But it’s well worth the effort. Venturing off the main road of sex leads to some very interesting places.
And, most importantly, it means paying attention. Because a great sexual experience is invariably over too fast – and if you’re not concentrating, you may feel as though it barely happened at all.
Need a hand to slow down and enjoy your experience? I have a few ideas…let’s talk. Click here to learn more about my client coaching services.