I imagine you’re not looking forward to reading about consent. I imagine you think it’s going to be super-feminist and boring, like listening to an academic lecture. Or maybe you’re worried that I’m going to try and make you feel guilty about doing it wrong, as though consent is something only ‘good’ people do … and if you don’t know how, that I’ll tell you you’re a dickhead.
It’s okay. I promise that’s not going to happen.
We’re all human – nobody is perfect. And we don’t come into existence knowing how to ask our lovers and partners what they want. Like I always say, sex is a skill one has to learn. We’re always beating ourselves up for it, instead of giving ourselves a chance to learn. Well, here’s your chance…
Asking for consent is a tool. It’s a tool we use when getting sexy with other people (or even just sharing their space.) Consent is this, basically: everyone has a right to say yes or no to anything that happens to their own body.
We all have choices that are our business and nobody else’s – things like what we do for fun, how long we take a shower for, or what we eat for lunch. Consent is the idea that nobody should be able to tell you what to do with your body – who touches it, what you put into it, how you treat yourself when you’re sick, all those things. If you don’t have control over what happens to your ‘stuff’, you don’t have control over yourself. And that feels awful.
When escorts have sex with other people, there are things we like doing and things we don’t. We all have a right to say yes to the stuff we want and no to the stuff we don’t. That’s what makes sex safe and enjoyable. Sometimes, when someone engages the services of an escort, they think they have just purchased the right to have sex. It seems logical, right? It’s called sex work. But they are mistaken. They’re not paying for sex. They’re paying for our time and expertise, and the opportunity to connect emotionally and sexually with us at a more accessible level than if they had tried to just pick up someone random off the street.
Sex worker or regular person, the standards are still there. We still have the right to say yes or no to any particular sexual act. This could be anything from having full penetrative sex, to kissing, to having particular body parts touched, to doing kinks or fetishes. What actually happens on a booking will be determined by what has been negotiated, AS WELL AS what is happening in the room and the way you conduct yourself.
Escorts, as a rule, are very firm on what they will and won’t do. If you ask for something I don’t like, I’m good at saying no – in a nice way. But sometimes, someone thinks that, because they have paid, they are entitled to just do whatever they want without asking. It’s irritating and awkward, because it means I keep having to say ‘no’ or ‘don’t do that’ throughout the booking. And it’s frustrating for the guy, because he’s doing sex the only way he knows how – by trying stuff and waiting for me to stop him.
There is another way.
Sex is more fun with communication. Rather than just ‘trying it on’, it’s good to ask what a partner wants and only do the things they enjoy. It makes you a great lover (something all sex workers heartily appreciate).
Sometimes guys try to do consent by asking “Is this okay?” halfway through sex. There are two problems with this:
1. They are already doing the thing (sex or touching or whatever) when they ask, so if they got it wrong and I’m not enjoying myself, it’s too late.
2. “Okay.” is a very low bar to set. Do you want to be having “okay” sex? Wouldn’t you prefer your partner to be feeling “fantastic”?
What needs to happen? Basically, it’s about checking in BEFORE you do something. It sounds super awkward, but it’s not, especially if you like a bit of dirty talk. Here’s an example:
Partner: Your boobs are incredible, I really want to play with them.
Escort: That sounds great!
See, isn’t it awesome when someone REALLY WANTS you to touch them, rather than trying to guess what might feel good? It’s almost like cheating – having a direct line to their needs and desires. Who needs to guess, when you can just ask? Plus it’s really sexy (but that’s just my opinion because I love talking dirty.)
Asking for consent is easier the more confidence you have. It takes practice. When you’re starting out, it can be hard to find the right way to ask. But it’s important to note that even if you don’t pull off ‘sexy’ consent, it’s still better than not trying at all. You might think you look dumb saying “Can I put my fingers in your pussy?” but I think you look sillier when you just stick them in there without asking first. I just often don’t say so, because I’m trying to be polite and supportive.
It’s hard to remember to ask about absolutely everything. When sex gets heated, things just happen naturally. But when you’re getting up close and personal with an escort, there are some sexual acts that should ALWAYS be asked about:
• Actual penetrative sex (“Are you ready for me to fuck you now?”)
• Anything forceful or kinky (“Are you into hair-pulling?”)
• Anything butt-related (it’s never good manners to go near someone’s butthole without asking, even just touching)
• Stuff involving coming on someone, or in someone’s mouth (always warn your escort and make sure it’s acceptable, as many ladies will say no to this.)
If you’re in the middle of a hot session and you realise you haven’t asked in a while, why not check in and see how everything is going for her? Try asking, “How does that feel?” She’ll either say “incredible!” (which is a big boost for your ego) or she’ll suggest something that might make the sex even better in the moment (a change in position, hitting a different spot, asking for something she really likes, etc).
Ask, experiment, check in, and listen to your partner. That’s what makes for an incredible sexual encounter.