How (Not To) Plan a Threesome

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This is a short piece of writing on planning threesomes: how to go about it and how to avoid fucking it up.

I’m covering this topic for a reason. I took a holiday in Hawaii last year and it was fantastic – I stayed in a secluded cottage right on the beach, close enough that the waves crashing onto the shore would keep me awake at night. (It was great, but that’s not why I’m writing this.)

My holiday was interrupted one day by a call from a friend of mine. He isn’t a close friend, just someone I see occasionally who happens to know my profession. He was in an extreme state of excitement because his girlfriend had mentioned in passing that she sometimes fantasised about having another girl in the bedroom. Overjoyed, he had immediately begun to plan how he could make this happen and was calling me for advice.

Within a few minutes our conversation was definitely moving into face-palm territory.

“I know a chick who’s up for it!” he said, “She’s a friend of mine. I know she likes my girl, so it’d be perfect.”
“How are you going to bring it up it with your girlfriend?” I asked.
“Well, I don’t think I need to say much to her, really. She likes being submissive in the sack, so I’ll just get both of them in the same room and then order them to make out with each other.”

At this point I had to take a break from the conversation to imagine my friend’s face being repeatedly punched by his own partner. After all, who the fuck loves being put in a room with a complete stranger and ‘ordered’ to get sexy with them?*

A few things struck me about his situation:
1. His girlfriend may have had fantasies about being with another woman, but it was presumptuous to assume that she wanted to actually make the fantasy happen in real life.
2. His excitement was centred on his ideal situation, and he hadn’t bothered to ask her what she wanted out of the experience (or even if there was someone she had in mind).

Two-girl encounters – involving either ‘straight’ or bisexual women – are perhaps one of the biggest male fetishes. Recent online surveys have found that it is an extremely common fantasy for heterosexual guys, both single and in relationships. It also appears at the top of the bucket list for couples in general, meaning there are quite a few girls who think it’s sexy too. Doubles and couples bookings making up a significant amount of what I do.

For some, a threesome is a mythical beast, something that they suspect happens but have never experienced. For other couples it’s something that just seems to happen naturally. And some of us are stuck in between, with fantasies that we’re too nervous to act on or not quite sure how to make happen. So how can we make the transition from dreaming about it to trying it out?

I have a friend who says “the best way to hit on a woman is to wait for her to hit on you”. I think the same applies to threesomes. If you’re in a hetero relationship, a ménage a trois is much more likely to happen if the woman comes up with the idea (and for bonus points, let her choose who to invite into the bedroom). I can guarantee you that unless your lady is one hundred percent okay with the idea and one hundred percent comfortable with the other woman involved, you’re going to have trouble, either immediately or later on in your relationship. And of course if she says she’s not down with the whole thing, then you are out of luck and should probably focus on a more attainable fetish.

I sometimes get emails or calls from men who want to organise an escort for a threesome but haven’t told their partners yet, or want to organise things without me speaking to their partner. Memorably, one guy who was initially keen backed off after speaking with me because I was too enthusiastic about his girlfriend, and made him worry that I wouldn’t pay enough attention to him. The selfishness that some men demonstrate in pursuit of their own pleasure is really off-putting. to me…I can only imagine how off-putting it is to their significant others.

If you really want to make a threesome happen, and you’re in a relationship, you’re going to have to accept that the feeling needs to be mutual. Bring it up, and if your SO loves the idea then let her get involved in planning, and in finding the right person. If she expresses anything less than joy and enthusiasm, let it go. Women know what they want; if she wants it to happen then she’ll mention it again one day.

And if she does mention it, don’t order her to make out with a stranger, because you might get punched in the face.

(Thanks for reading! I’ll cover the more practical aspects of finding a suitable partner for a mengae-a-trois in an article soon.)

*negotiated BDSM situations would be the exception to this.

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