“How do you feel about married clients?” Your questions answered.

AOTH-article-image-questions-married clients

Q: When it comes to married clients, I understand it’s a professional arrangement that is being provided, and a client’s personal circumstances shouldn’t necessarily make any difference to the service (in the same way that the personal circumstances of the SW really has nothing to do with the client). But as a woman, how do you feel about married clients? I mean, do you believe in monogamy? And hence how do you feel about married clients seeing you?

Also, are married clients different? Do you feel like they’re more needy, emotionally speaking?

I’ve not been with a SW before, but am interested in doing so. I’ve almost booked twice now but have stopped it before booking and locking a time in. I feel as though I’m being unfaithful but if there’s something missing in my marriage, why not use a professional service where there is a degree of emotional detachment?

Georgie: Your question reminds me of a very interesting encounter I once had with a young man in a brothel in Carlton. He came in and booked to see me for an hour, then when we were alone he confessed that he’d only ever slept with one woman, his wife. He was curious to see what cheating on her would feel like.

We got naked and sexy, and then we lay in bed together afterwards and I asked, ‘How do you feel?’

‘I feel like shit,’ he said.

‘Well, now you’ve learned something.’ I said. I very much doubt he ever cheated on his wife again.

I don’t judge people who sleep with more than one person. I’m non-monogamous (I practice a kind of polyamory) so I’m very comfortable with the idea. I also support people who choose to be monogamous, knowing that it’s right for them.

The issue here isn’t monogamy – it’s lying. If you agree to be monogamous and then see escorts without telling your partner, you’re lying to one of the most significant people in your life.

When I first started work in the sex industry, I judged clients who were cheating on their partners. I don’t like dishonesty, and it really bugged me that I was helping these people screw up their relationships. But I recognised that it wasn’t my place to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do. I’m a service provider; just like the salesman that sells your husband a car he can’t really afford, it’s not up to me to police the lives of others.

My attitude has evolved since then. What I’ve learned is that relationships are complicated, and there are many reasons why people might choose to stray. For example:

  • They could be dishonest and irresponsible (as above)
  • Because they’re deeply unhappy in their relationship and trying to end it
  • They might have desires or kinks that their partner finds unacceptable (or that they’re too afraid to reveal)
  • They may be in a sexless marriage
  • There could be a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ arrangement – one partner has explicitly or implicitly given the other permission to fuck around, as long as they never hear about it
  • There could be threats and/or pressure to stay in a marriage that isn’t working, especially if there are kids involved
  • Their partner may be chronically or terminally ill, and unable to offer sex
  • Plenty of people (especially older generations) often simply can’t accept any sort of open relationship, even if it’s important to their partner

Sex columnist Dan Savage has a lot to say about this. He argues that sometimes, cheating can save a relationship, rather than end it.

I’ve listened to a lot of clients’ stories. And at this point, I honestly can’t judge whether cheating is okay. It’s something you need to decide for yourself. I’ll always favour honest, open relationships in my personal life – but that  has nothing to do with my work, and at work you’ll find me respectful of your choices, whether I agree with them or not.

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